Billy Madison vs. Melia Dicker

As I like to say, Reschool Yourself is “like Billy Madison, but for reals.” In returning to elementary school, Billy and I share some experiences. Here’s how they stack up.

BILLY vs. MELIA

Round 1: Lunch in the Cafeteria

Sloppy Joes + no Snack Pack vs. Chicken Hot Dog + Chocolate Milk

In the cafeteria, Billy ate sloppy joes that the lunch lady made “extra sloppy,” without a Snack Pack (His housekeeper, Juanita, packed him a banana instead, and his classmate wouldn’t trade.) I enjoyed a pretty decent chicken hot dog and a carton of smooth chocolate milk.

Memorable Quotes:

Billy: You know I like Snack Pack – why can’t you just give me a Snack Pack?

Juanita: I thought I was your Snack Pack.

Billy: What?

Juanita: Nothin’.

SCORE: Billy-0, Melia-1

Round 2: Recess Games

Dodgeball vs. Tetherball

Billy pelted his first grade classmates with a red rubber ball. My third grade classmate whacked me in the nose with a tetherball.

Memorable Quotes:

Billy: Now you’re all in big, big trouble.

Melia: OK, game’s over, kids.

SCORE: Billy-1, Melia-1

Round 3: Drawing Skill

Blue Duck vs. Dragon

Billy drew a blue duck because he’d never seen a blue duck before. I drew a dragon from the story “Dragon Gets By.” While Billy might win for creativity, I win for skill.

Memorable Quotes:

Billy: I drew the duck blue, because I never saw a blue duck before. And to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.

Melia’s second grade classmates: Whoaaa, you’re a good draw-er!

SCORE: Billy-1, Melia-2

Round 4: Celebration for Passing a Grade

Pool party vs. Staying up ’til 3 a.m. writing a blog post

Billy threw a giant party at his mansion every time he passed a grade. I stayed up writing by myself in my room until dawn.

Memorable Quote:

Heavy Metal Singer: Billy passed the third grade…oh, what a glorious dayyyy….oh, passin’ third grade, the Billy Madison wayyyy.

SCORE: Billy-2, Melia-2

Round 5: Goal of Returning to School

Inherit dad’s hotel business vs. Transform self, other adults, & the education system

While Billy’s goal may be more lucrative, my special purpose (OK, I’m mixing movie metaphors now) is more meaningful.

SCORE: Billy-2, Melia-3

AND THE WINNER IS: MELIA

Memorable Quote:

Melia: I am the smartest man alive!

Comments (6)

  1. Gilliebean

    That’s quacktastic! Haha, this is awesome. I love how you broke it down with a side-by-side comparison. Well played, my friend. Hurray for school! Hurray for me! Maybe when you pass the next grade, we can splurge and get you some creepy clowns and a metal band.

    Reply
  2. A

    I am there for the metal band. “OK, game’s over, kids” Tetherballs hurt!

    Reply
  3. Margaret

    While I don’t get any of the Billy Madison jokes, I like this post. And my god, you ARE a good draw-er! I never knew that!

    Reply
  4. Melia

    Gill, I’ll make sure that the creepy clown shows up in your room at night (perhaps sitting on your hamper? ;)).

    Thanks, Margaret – a post is in the works about how much I love art and wish I’d pursued it throughout my life. But the return is the important part, even if it starts by drawing a dragon with a #2 pencil.

    Reply
  5. Alicia

    The real question is: How does your experience compare to Billy’s debate on whether shampoo or conditioner “is bettah”? :)

    Reply
  6. Pingback: “Like Billy Madison, but for reals.” « Where You Lede

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